Andrew's Story: Looking after ourselves and seeing the truth.
Sometimes it seems life is throwing us pain from every direction but maybe we need to step back a bit and have a look at the true reality of the situation. Sometimes what life is actually throwing us is a lifeline.
'Andrew' was 17, quite depressed, his school work was suffering, he had lost a lot of weight and his mother feared he was beginning to develop a pattern of what may be anorexia. When he arrived he was certainly obviously thin, his clothes were hanging off him, his head was bowed and he just looked totally miserable. Andrew was in love; and she had left him.
The Problem: Andrew was in year 12, working part time in 'fast food' and had recently broken up with his girl-friend of 9 months. He was a very sensitive young man and he and his mum both thought he may be depressed. His mum was concerned he wasn't eating and may be anorexic as he had lost about 5-6 kilos, seemingly in a couple of weeks. He did look underweight, his hair was lank, his skin was very pimply, and he walked hunched with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He was feeling in a "pretty bad space" and "just wanted to feel better". He didn't eat breakfast, mainly ate fries for dinner at work and chippies for lunch. His mum had given up trying to get him to make healthy food choices.
The Solution Process: I explained the 'Relationship Time-line' and Andrew could see the beginning of the breakdown of the relationship very clearly. She had cheated on him several times and he was very angry about her behaviour and (eventually realised) at himself for continuing to stay in the relationship when she had repeatedly treated him with such disrespect. We talked about respect for self and respect for others and he began to see that the relationship was very dysfunctional. By the end of this discussion he was able to see clearly that he was actually much better off not in this relationship and he had begun to learn how to support and look after himself while also in a relationship with another.
Lack of adequate nutrition was also a major factor in how Andrew was feeling. I explained how a diet of potato fries was not conducive to health and how this alone can lead to depression and anxiety symptoms. I then explained basic nutrition and what the body requires to function correctly and as I felt it was likely he had nutritional deficiencies I also suggested multi mineral/vitamin supplementation to help get his body back on track. Andrew was encouraged to develop an idea for a daily eating plan based on what we had discussed. This was not to be a 'diet' plan but a learning exercise, helpful in developing more understanding of getting a balanced food intake and learning to take responsibility for his nutrition.
Two weeks later a different young man walked through the door as Andrew had made huge changes in his nutritional habits and in fact care of his body in general. He prepared breakfast, took a cut lunch to school, and although he still ate dinner at work he made healthier and well balanced choices, sometimes choosing the salad or a burger and sometimes not having fries at all. He was committed to continuing to provide his body and mind with nutritional support.
I then explained emotional processing, particularly the emotions of anger/depression and fear/anxiety, and he began to uncover the anger he held at himself due to not taking a stand when he was disrespected in the relationship. We also discussed relationships in general and some of the differences between male and female processing.
Finally we discussed Andrew's plans for the future. He was interested in cars and as he had begun to think about a mechanics apprenticeship he was encouraged to look into this further.
The Result: Andrew continued to follow guidelines of healthy eating. He quickly recovered his lost energy which enabled him to begin running again and he could feel his strength returning. He became conscious that if his diet was unbalanced for a while it would need realignment and as he was feeling so much better in many ways (exhaustion was gone, he was bright and hopeful for the future, all signs of depression had lifted) he felt sure maintaining this ongoing balance would not be a challenge. He was planning to enrol in a pre-mechanics course and was actively making enquiries with businesses for holiday work in the industry. He now had a good plan for the future, (while acknowledging he could always change his mind) and the understanding that he could speak with someone in the future if he ever felt the need.
Choosing 'Positive Thoughts' is not about kidding yourself that everything is alright. Of course we can't actually get away with lying to ourselves and repeating something that we know or feel to be a lie over and over does not make it true. The trick to changing our thought patterns, using 'affirmations', "finding joy", is in fact to find the seed of truth that we can grasp on to, and then help that little seed to grow.
The Problem:
'Sharon' was brought to me by her friend. She was suffering from anxiety and depression and was on medication but was not making any progress and in fact seemed to be getting worse. She was feeling unwell physically, thoroughly exhausted all the time and had taken too much time off work in the past four weeks. She certainly didn't look well and in fact her job was now on the line and this was adding to her stress. It took a while to get her to begin to open up and even articulate what she thought her problem was. "My work is killing me," she said finally, and then repeated it over and over. I explained that if she really thought this then it probably would sooner or later and had she considered leaving? Sharon was very clear that this was not an option for her as there were particular requirements that she had that would make it difficult to find another.
The Solution Process:
We began to look specifically at her work situation. I first asked her if there was anything good about the job at all, did they pay her, and what made this one so special and suitable that she felt she wouldn't be able to match anywhere else?
"Of course they pay me", she said rather shocked. I explained that sometimes that can be as good as it gets - getting a days pay for a days work means we can then do the things we want to in life, hopefully have a bit of leisure as well as keeping a roof over our head and food on the table. She clarified that due to her long service she was actually getting paid very well and it would be very difficult to get the same pay in another work-place. "And the hours are good" she stated. "I also look after my aged mum and the hours are perfect around her particular needs."
So already we had established that her job actually had a couple of really good points; it gave her a good income and the hours fitted her particular unusual needs. I asked Sharon if there was anything else that was good about her job.
"Well, I do get a car park which means I can get to mother quickly if needed", she said. "And the girls - the girls are just lovely!" she began to grin, "We have a lot of fun and in fact this is my best friend here and we work together. And I do actually like the work itself....." she trailed off.
"So what is it that is so difficult about your work?" I asked. "The boss," she sighed, and her friend nodded in agreement with a twisted scowl. "He is an absolute pratt (although she did use stronger language!) He is just not a nice person at all, quite obnoxious."
"That can be very difficult," I said, "do you have to spend a lot of time working with him?"
"Weeell........ every month I have to prepare a report for the board, and I know I'm doing a good job of that because I get regular feedback from them that this is just what they want, but before I give it to the board I have to run it past him and he is just horrible. He goes on and on, says it'll have to be all re-done, shouts and carries on, but I have checked and I know I'm doing a good job. Hmmm, I spend about 20 minutes going over the report with him and listening to his bullying ..... 20 minutes once a month..... ooohhh."
And the light bulb flicked on. I could see a change instantly in her whole energy and demeanor. Sharon had just realised that she was letting 20 minutes once a month with her boss, a well acknowledged 'pratt' and nasty piece of work, affect her whole working environment and very quickly she was able to come to see that her boss reminded her of her fathers' overbearing bullying attitude - but that's another story. We decided that from the next day on she would imagine her boss in some smaller role in life. She chose to imagine him as a bossy wasp, nasty and to be wary of, but ultimately of no real threat to her.Sharon came back two weeks later and the change was stunning. She appeared a couple of inches taller, she had colour in her face, she was smiling, and she had spoken to her GP about reducing her medication and coming off it completely in the near future. She had presented her report to the board which had gone really well and she had a story to tell about her '20 minutes with the boss'.
"Before I went in to see him I imagined him as a pesky wasp," she said, "all yellow and stripy. I walked in just knowing that he couldn't actually hurt me - he was all bright colour and showmanship, someone to be wary of but not really any threat at all, just nasty, and his stress was his problem, not mine. When I walked in to his office it was as if he had physically shrunk! I'm sure in the past he had been taking energy from my fear and now that that was gone he had little left. I showed him my report, he said it was quite acceptable, and I was in and out of there in under 10 minutes. I love my job!"
A wonderful resolution to Sharons' employment challenge.